Sibling Rivalry or Sibling Love?

We all have pet peeves. Most ladies hate when men leave the toilet seat up, and I'm sure men don't enjoy women always leaving it down. What about dirty socks left on the floor, especially when they're just a couple of feet from a laundry hamper? Or the lid on the milk jug that's just barely screwed on so when you shake the jug, the milk spews out of it and onto the floor? The list could go on and on, but I've found that for the most part, holding onto pet peeves is detrimental to one's own sense of well-being. It's usually better to extend some grace and just go ahead and put that toilet seat down (or up) without complaint, pick up the socks without ill thoughts toward their owner, and clean up the spilled milk and move on. Those seemingly thoughtless actions don't belie character flaws as much as they reveal messy or careless habits.

Yet there are some pet peeves that I think are good to have, pet peeves regarding actions that do show underlying character problems that need to be corrected. Personally, I have a pet peeve for something that is readily accepted as normal in our culture, sibling rivalry. Throughout the Bible, God calls us to love one another (John 13:34-35, 1 Peter 1:22), be kind and compassionate to one another Ephesians 4:22), bear with one another (Ephesians 4:2), and forgive (Luke 6:37,17:3, etc.). There are literally hundreds of verses that call for us to be loving, patient, kind, and forgiving toward one another, so why do we think it's okay for siblings not to get along? Why does our society chalk the fights and quarrels up to sibling rivalry?

Personally my heart is grieved whenever I see siblings who cannot get along and do not want anything to do with one another. Usually that's something I see in other families, but occasionally I see it in my own home as well. I have taken an active stance against sibling rivalry and have striven, with God's help, to create a home where each child is loved and accepted by every other member of the household. This is an active process that waxes and wanes with time (and with children's temperaments). My 4 children have 4 very different personalities. Sometimes I have to remind them of the value of their siblings as individuals. Sometimes the fighting comes from jealousy that one is better at something than is another. I have been very honest with my children about their strengths - and weaknesses. Many people think you shouldn't compare your children to other children, but I think that's unrealistic; it's in our nature to compare ourselves to others. So I'm honest when I say one is better at one thing while another is better at something else.

Each one of my kids is better at something than his or her siblings, including my disabled son who may not be able to walk without crutches but who can charm a room full of strangers within a few seconds of crutching in. No one else in our family has that effect on people. One daughter is so competent at cooking that she nearly single-handedly pulled off a 9-dish feast for 24 people, actually shining during the last crazy half-hour of preparation as she directed her kitchen help like the conductor of a fine orchestra directs musicians. Another daughter wants to be a paramedic so she is our go-to girl for any kind of first aid need or minor emergency. When I badly burned my arm, I took her to the doctor with me so she could learn to dress the wound that I was too squeamish to look at. Our third daughter is tender-hearted, compassionate, and quick to help and to encourage others. She is my go-to for help with general cleaning and organizing around the house.

As for faults, one child is messy, one is flighty, a couple are picky about food, and one begs to watch movies or get on the computer all day. As a homechool family, we spend lots of hours with each other, so we are well aware of each other's faults and strengths. But rather than pretend these differences don't exist, we acknowledge them and learn to appreciate that each one of us makes meaningful contributions to our family, our community, and to the kingdom of God. The result is that, in general, on most days, my kids get along, help each other, listen to each other, and - yes - have fun with each other. And those are skills that will be useful to them for the rest of their lives.

Creative Correction

This blog entry is a cheat, of sorts. I was recently cleaning out my email inbox and I found something I'd written in 2006. I hope you enjoy it!

I have been having problems with my 8 yr old daughter and her sassy, rude, haughty attitude toward me and her sisters. I tried to correct her every time she spoke an unkind word, but I did not seem to be making headway. It came to a climax on the way home from a sporting event, and I told her that I wasn't sure what else to do. I correct, correct, correct, but still her undesirable behavior persists. It was a teachable moment, though, so I seized the opportunity to talk to her about how wanting our own way all the time only leads to short-term satisfaction with long-term discord and strife. But giving up the things you want in order to serve someone else leads to harmony and contentment. As an example I told her that I had not really wanted to attend the sporting event, but I did it because she and her sisters wanted to go. Not only did I go, but I determined in my mind to have a good time, and that we all did. Had I taken them but been mad that I'd not gotten my way, it would have been a different and unpleasant experience.

That night I went to bed with the distinct feeling that my daughter was under spiritual attack and that I needed to pray for her, and for wisdom for me to know how to handle her disrespect and unkindness.

The next day my daughter was trying to think up ways to earn money for the missions offering at VBS. I told her I would give her a quarter for every 15 minutes that she wasn't rude or mean or nasty. I chose 15 minute intervals because, based on her behavior of late, I doubted she would be able to keep it together longer than that. Also, I didn't want to risk her messing up in the first couple of minutes and then thinking she may as well continue down that path until the next interval started. To my surprise and great pleasure, she earned $7 (out of a total possible $7.25, meaning she only had one 15 minute interval in which she acted rudely). Not only that, but I had offered each of my daughters $1 if they would help me clean my room. (See comment below.) One flat-out refused (not the one who'd been giving me problems), and another only gave a half-hearted effort, and then she disappeared. But the "problem child" stayed and helped with a good attitude until we got it done. I was so appreciative that I gave her the money I would have given her sisters, and by the end of the day she had earned a total of $10 for the mission offering!

The best part about it is the talk we had about how it wasn't actually difficult to be nice, and in fact it left her feeling better than she would had she been mean & nasty.

Praise God who was doubly glorified, not only in the godly behavior, but also in a larger missions offering!

Note: The parents' bedroom is often the most neglected room in the house, even though it needs to be our sanctuary for special time together and away from the children. Instead, we clear that pile of papers off a kitchen counter or entry hall table and pile it - where else? - on our dressers or beside our beds, or worse yet - on our beds where it gets gathered up again and tossed to the floor when, bleary-eyed, we approach the bed that evening. I know you are shaking your head in agreement because you have BEEN THERE! Maybe you can carve out some time today to make your bedroom your special place again.

Trying New Things

My son Will is a very picky eater, preferring grilled cheese, cheese and mayonnaise sandwiches, cheese pizza, macaroni & cheese, and chicken nuggets. He winces and gags at the sight or smell of fruit, and the number of veggies he'll eat can be counted on one hand. His summer camp counselor took my suggestion that he try new things seriously, urging Will to try three new things each day. So when he got home from camp, we continued the "Try New Things" program, and - despite frequent and at times vehement resistance - Will is expanding his food repertoire.

Here he is trying (and liking, though you can't tell by his face) the pumpernickel croutons at Ruby Tuesday.



Here he is giving a decided thumbs-up to my home-made tomato basil soup!



Will has also given the thumbs up to vanilla yogurt (but don't throw in any fruit, please), watermelon (though it's really hard for him to process the texture), frijoles and rice, spaghetti, and lasagna.

Most fruit still gets a decided thumbs-down, but we are making progress.

We also extended the idea of trying new things to activities that don't involve food. Will has become increasingly explorative over the past 3 years or so. As a child with a disability, he must try much harder than typical kids to accomplish the same things. But that does not mean he's not willing to try.

Here Will is walking a neighbor's dog. Of course we stayed very close by and Chuck rigged the leash so that Will could easily let go if the dog pulled him off balance.


Here he's riding in a neighbor's battery-powered car. Again, we stayed very close by because his steering isn't very good. We'd really like to get him one of these!

Summer Travels: Part 1

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous.
Do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9

Not only is that verse my husband's favorite, but it also applied rather well to us as we made 2 trips to Texas this summer, the first in June for a wedding, and the second in July for a family celebration. Although we were not facing enemies or having to fight our way into the land like Joshua was, knowing that God is constantly with us made for a much more peaceful and blessed trip. Before our second trip, I took my trusty Honda Odyssey to the dealer to get the oil changed and the tires rotated. The service manager informed me that my back tires were dangerously worn and needed to be replaced immediately and the car aligned to prevent further problems. We'd had a similar situation in Texas, having to replace tires with only 7,000 miles on them. This time, I was so glad the problem had been caught before we hit the road. I felt God's hand of protection on my family for sure!


So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate. Matthew 19:6

The first stop in our travels was San Antonio, TX for the wedding of Kimberly Ashlin Dill and Michael Joseph Ring. I had introduced Ashlin and Michael while Ashlin worked as a care provider for Will. Ashlin was in our home 30 hours a week, and she quickly became more than just an employee. One Sunday at a church function, I just felt led to introduce Mike (as we always called him) and Ashlin. It took her a while to warm up to him, but they soon realized they wanted to spend the rest of their lives together. Ashlin and Michael were both so fond of our children that they wanted them all to participate in the wedding, so with great joy we joined their families and friends as they joined their lives. I truly believe God brought these two together and I look forward to watching how God grows and uses them for His kingdom and His purposes.

The second stop on our first Texas tour was our farmhouse. The mailing address is Alleyton, but we're 6 miles from that town of a couple hundred people, and we're between the larger small towns of Columbus and Eagle Lake, where Chuck's parents live.


While there, my parents worked on various projects, Mom painting door facings and trim, and Dad hanging mirrors and hooking up the double sinks in the dressing room. My great-nephew Roger helped Dad and I install insulation in the walls of one of the sheds as well. It wasn't all work and no play, though.

Emily and Will spent many hours splashing around in the pool from the Huffmans.

Erin had plenty of time on her laptop and Roger enjoyed games on his cell phone.






Hannah helped in the kitchen by chopping veggies;
any time she gets to use a big knife, she's a happy camper!

The third stop on our first Texas tour wasn't even in Texas! We left Hannah with Grams and Pappy so she could have some extra time in Texas (her favorite state, by far) and go to the church camp she's attended every summer since she was 8 years old. The rest of us went to New Orleans where Erin participated in the Crescent City Choral Festival. Chuck, who had flown home after the wedding, drove down and joined us for the weekend. I had booked a room at a "mystery hotel" through Bookit.com. We found ourselves in a nice 4-star facility conveniently located downtown and within walking distance of the Aquarium and the French Quarter. Also at our hotel was the cast and crew of the remake movie "21 Jumpstreet", due out in August 2011. We met security guards and makeup artists but no actors.

Signs directing film crew and cast

Valentine Adventures

Valentine's Day sneaked up on us this year since we had just returned from a week-long stay at a resort in Texas where we celebrated my parents-in-law's 50th anniversary. As I browsed through Facebook posts, I saw one mom who mentioned her family's annual candlelight dinner. That sparked something in me. I had already planned to serve a special meal of salmon and tilapia, but with her inspiration I stepped it up a notch and set the table with candles, crystal, and china. Pulling the dinner off was a bit challenging because I had kids in activities downtown until 6:30 p.m. I dropped them off, foregoing my usual Monday evening workout at the Y, and came home to do all the prep work and set the table before heading back downtown to pick them up. (When we got home, my husband was already home from work, and the kids thought he was the one who had set the table.) Many hands pitched in to cook the meal and it was served about 30 minutes after we got home. The candles, the conversation, and the food were all delightful, and my kids felt very loved since I made the effort to create a special atmosphere.

Adventures in the Snow

We've been living in Mississippi since August 2010. The climate when we arrived was hotter than in San Antonio, TX, with many days over 100 degrees and humidity in the 90s. The winter climate has proved to be much colder than in San Antonio, and last Sunday we had snow - significant amounts of snow. The snow was anticipated all day, but didn't start falling out of the sky until 6 p.m. When it came, it fell fast and furious, with big flakes floating down and blanketing everything in sight. Grown-ups and kids alike headed out into the streets to experience the rare event. My daughter Emily was especailly excited, and she came in covered with snow and ice pellets, and even had a beautiful snow hairbow.

Temperatures were in the low 30's so no one knew how long the snow would stick around. The next morning I snapped some shots of the house and yard before the kids got up and started playing in it.


Snow is an infrequent enough visitor here that there are no snow ploughs or other means of dealing with accumulations. As a result, the schools and businesses closed for a day or two, and all the neighborhood kids were out playing and creating with the white stuff.



Besides the traditional snowmen, one group of kids built a snowhouse, complete with a table, chairs, and beds. Of course there were snowball fights. The young boys across the street got serious about their snowballs, teaming up to make sleds-full of then, and unloading them on some older boys. The moms had a fun time standing around chatting while the kids played. Even Will enjoyed getting out in the snow and hanging out with his friend Lauren.

With temperatures just above freezing, the snow melted slowly throughout the day, but still there was plenty for Erin & Hannah to make a snowman in the back yard and snow angels in the side yard.

We had so much snow that even with it melting all day and all night, the ground was still covered the next morning, although it seemed more like packed ice than powdery snow.

Nearly one week later, thanks to another cold snap, we still have some patches of snow on the ground. Most of the white stuff is gone, but the armies of snowmen in the neighborhood are stubbornly hanging on, although they look a little less stout each day. Hopefully our memories will last longer.

Adventures in the Kitchen

Although cooking in the Isler household is primarily my job, there are times when it truly is a family affair. Some Friday nights we have homemade pizza. I pull out my Bosch mixer and make the dough, then we divide it up and make at least 4 different kinds of pizza. Last night, I intended to make pizza, but I didn't start the dough early enough and the kids and I had to go to a meeting that went long. When we got home, my husband Chuck had put together an amazing meal, a curry-type dish with oriental noodles. He also made an apple cobbler with homemade whipped cream. This morning he was at it again, making potato cakes with his own made up recipe. We ate them with my homemade heart-shaped biscuits. Yum!

Last Saturday, Chuck made his special pancakes with mashed bananas and cinnamon. We use the batter for waffles or pancakes, and have enough for a couple more mornings. He took the opportuniuty to train our son Will (7), who hates bananas but loves the pancakes.

On New Year's Day, we got to use two new kitchen gadgets we got for Christmas. One is a Jack LaLanne Power Juicer. Chuck and our vegetarian Emily experimented with different combinations, preferring the apple-orange concoction.

Erin later got out the pasta maker my mother (Granny) gave her. She and Emily spent about three tireless hours making the pasta dough and then pressing it through the pasta maker. She made fettucine and ravioli. Chuck made two fillings for the ravioli, one mushroom-based and the other with spinach and cheeses. He also made an alfredo sauce for both the fettucine and the ravioli.