Sibling Rivalry or Sibling Love?

We all have pet peeves. Most ladies hate when men leave the toilet seat up, and I'm sure men don't enjoy women always leaving it down. What about dirty socks left on the floor, especially when they're just a couple of feet from a laundry hamper? Or the lid on the milk jug that's just barely screwed on so when you shake the jug, the milk spews out of it and onto the floor? The list could go on and on, but I've found that for the most part, holding onto pet peeves is detrimental to one's own sense of well-being. It's usually better to extend some grace and just go ahead and put that toilet seat down (or up) without complaint, pick up the socks without ill thoughts toward their owner, and clean up the spilled milk and move on. Those seemingly thoughtless actions don't belie character flaws as much as they reveal messy or careless habits.

Yet there are some pet peeves that I think are good to have, pet peeves regarding actions that do show underlying character problems that need to be corrected. Personally, I have a pet peeve for something that is readily accepted as normal in our culture, sibling rivalry. Throughout the Bible, God calls us to love one another (John 13:34-35, 1 Peter 1:22), be kind and compassionate to one another Ephesians 4:22), bear with one another (Ephesians 4:2), and forgive (Luke 6:37,17:3, etc.). There are literally hundreds of verses that call for us to be loving, patient, kind, and forgiving toward one another, so why do we think it's okay for siblings not to get along? Why does our society chalk the fights and quarrels up to sibling rivalry?

Personally my heart is grieved whenever I see siblings who cannot get along and do not want anything to do with one another. Usually that's something I see in other families, but occasionally I see it in my own home as well. I have taken an active stance against sibling rivalry and have striven, with God's help, to create a home where each child is loved and accepted by every other member of the household. This is an active process that waxes and wanes with time (and with children's temperaments). My 4 children have 4 very different personalities. Sometimes I have to remind them of the value of their siblings as individuals. Sometimes the fighting comes from jealousy that one is better at something than is another. I have been very honest with my children about their strengths - and weaknesses. Many people think you shouldn't compare your children to other children, but I think that's unrealistic; it's in our nature to compare ourselves to others. So I'm honest when I say one is better at one thing while another is better at something else.

Each one of my kids is better at something than his or her siblings, including my disabled son who may not be able to walk without crutches but who can charm a room full of strangers within a few seconds of crutching in. No one else in our family has that effect on people. One daughter is so competent at cooking that she nearly single-handedly pulled off a 9-dish feast for 24 people, actually shining during the last crazy half-hour of preparation as she directed her kitchen help like the conductor of a fine orchestra directs musicians. Another daughter wants to be a paramedic so she is our go-to girl for any kind of first aid need or minor emergency. When I badly burned my arm, I took her to the doctor with me so she could learn to dress the wound that I was too squeamish to look at. Our third daughter is tender-hearted, compassionate, and quick to help and to encourage others. She is my go-to for help with general cleaning and organizing around the house.

As for faults, one child is messy, one is flighty, a couple are picky about food, and one begs to watch movies or get on the computer all day. As a homechool family, we spend lots of hours with each other, so we are well aware of each other's faults and strengths. But rather than pretend these differences don't exist, we acknowledge them and learn to appreciate that each one of us makes meaningful contributions to our family, our community, and to the kingdom of God. The result is that, in general, on most days, my kids get along, help each other, listen to each other, and - yes - have fun with each other. And those are skills that will be useful to them for the rest of their lives.